Episode 25
Want your marriage to change? Start with yourself.
Most of us are quick to notice what our wife could do differently when marriage feels stuck. The harder but more effective question is the one we ask the man in the mirror: How am I showing up, and how is God asking me to grow?
In this conversation, I’ll share several insights from men who completed Holy Desires this spring, including why marriage is never 50/50, how changing your own steps changes the whole dance, and why taking responsibility for your heart, habits, and perspective is empowering rather than discouraging. We’ll also talk about your vocation as a husband, the call to love your wife all the way to heaven, and the tools that can help you cultivate a more vibrant, passionate, and faithful marriage.
Holy Desires, my program for Catholic husbands to to help them grow in intimacy with their wives, is designed specifically to give you the tools you need and the brotherhood to support you.
____________
Get one of my free resources for Catholic Husbands who want to improve their intimacy:
🔥 3 Secrets to Becoming the Lover of Her Dreams
>>> Get the free PDF guide here: https://canafeast.com/holydesires-3secrets
⚔️ REWIRE: The Science of Porn Addiction
>>> Access the free 3-part video series here: https://canafeast.com/rewire
Transcript
Hi there.
Speaker A:I was reviewing a recap email that I had sent to my previous class of Holy Desire students.
Speaker A: This was from spring of: Speaker A:And one of them I really want to share with everyone on this podcast because it is so important, and that is a theme of showing up for your wife.
Speaker A:Let me share one quote.
Speaker A:Well, maybe I'll share a couple of quotes from some of the things that men said during the course of Holy desires on this theme.
Speaker A:And this one, I think, just goes right to the heart of things this man said.
Speaker A:My understanding was that we need to work at this together.
Speaker A:Meet in the middle.
Speaker A:This course asked me to reconsider that my calling is to grow and meet her where she's at, to help her wherever she is at.
Speaker A:This is so important, and here's why.
Speaker A:This is the fundamental truth.
Speaker A:This is just an existential truth.
Speaker A:Bank on it.
Speaker A:The only person that you can control, the only person that you can change, is the man looking at you in the mirror.
Speaker A:It's yourself.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:In the dynamic and relationship and connection of marriage, we support our wives.
Speaker A:Our wives support us.
Speaker A:There is a beautiful mutuality that is intended by God in marriage and that extends outside the bedroom.
Speaker A:It goes into the bedroom, of course.
Speaker A:That mutuality is beautiful.
Speaker A:And we can find support and care and love, and we should absolutely support our wives and be supported by them, right?
Speaker A:To help us grow, to help them grow, to grow together in holiness.
Speaker A:That's what this whole marriage thing is about, right?
Speaker A:Getting to heaven.
Speaker A:That's one of the purposes of marriage, sanctification of the spouses.
Speaker A:But at the end of the day, your wife can't change you for you.
Speaker A:And at the end of the day, you can't do the work to change your wife for her.
Speaker A:At the end of the day, getting married does not allow you to delegate the responsibility of growing in holiness, of growing in maturity, of cultivating virtues.
Speaker A:You don't get to delegate that to your spouse.
Speaker A:You don't get to delegate that to your wife and say, okay, wife, okay, honey, it's on you now.
Speaker A:Help me grow in virtue.
Speaker A:No, that's.
Speaker A:That's absurd.
Speaker A:We all need to grow in virtue on our own, and we all need to have that responsibility to grow on our own.
Speaker A:And indeed, like I said, fundamental truth, we are the only person that we can change.
Speaker A:The only person in this entire universe that you can change is you.
Speaker A:And so that can sound a little harsh, but it's also very Empowering.
Speaker A:It is empowering in this way.
Speaker A:If you are unhappy with a dynamic in your marriage, in your relationship, whether that's in relating to sexual intimacy in the bedroom, whether it's related to connection or dynamics outside the bedroom, whatever it is, whatever dynamic there is, as the old saying goes, it takes two to tango, right?
Speaker A:And I love this metaphor of the dance because marriage is like a dance.
Speaker A:You're dancing through life which with your wife.
Speaker A:And if you change your steps, you can change your steps.
Speaker A:Her steps will necessarily change.
Speaker A:Let me say that a different way.
Speaker A:If you change your steps, the dance will necessarily change.
Speaker A:Does that make sense?
Speaker A:You can't control her.
Speaker A:You can't change your wife directly.
Speaker A:You can make mature requests, you can increase your communication, you can help and support growth, change, maturity, all those things in your wife, just like she can do for us.
Speaker A:And we need to be humble and open to her requests of us, just as we would hope that our wives would be open and humble to our requests, to them.
Speaker A:The mutuality is always there.
Speaker A:I'm always called to that.
Speaker A:But here's my point.
Speaker A:If you want the dynamic of your relationship with your wife to change, start with yourself.
Speaker A:Starting.
Speaker A:Start with yourself.
Speaker A:Because that is the most effective, the most immediate way that you have to change your marriage is by changing your own heart, by changing yourself.
Speaker A:Let me read another quote from another man who just got this truth.
Speaker A:He said, after holy desires, and I quote, I am tempted to think about how I can fix our relationship.
Speaker A:It's a lot more effective to have the humility to fix things that I can fix myself and learn how to love my wife better.
Speaker A:He nailed it.
Speaker A:That is it.
Speaker A:I couldn't have said it better myself.
Speaker A:It's much more effective, he says, to have the humility to fix the things I can fix myself.
Speaker A:What does he mean?
Speaker A:He means his own heart.
Speaker A:He means his own behaviors.
Speaker A:He means his own perspectives, his own emotions, his own mood.
Speaker A:Fix those things.
Speaker A:That's the fastest, most effective way that you have to fix your relationship, to fix your marriage.
Speaker A:And honestly, I don't like the word fix.
Speaker A:Let's say to improve, to grow, to cultivate your marriage, right?
Speaker A:To change for the better, your marriage, to grow in holiness.
Speaker A:Look in the mirror and ask yourself in all humility, what part in this dynamic that I'm not happy with?
Speaker A:What part am I playing?
Speaker A:How can I show up for my wife?
Speaker A:Show up in this dynamic, show up in this relationship in a way that is more loving, more charitable, more understanding, and sometimes, you know, a loving thing is to put up a loving boundary.
Speaker A:Maybe we need a boundary in place to change the dynamic, but it has to be a loving one, right?
Speaker A:So look in your heart to see how you can change yourself.
Speaker A:I'll just leave you one more quote.
Speaker A:This is another man who, again, on the same theme, this is how another.
Speaker A:Another man from the last Holy Desires class articulated this.
Speaker A:It is.
Speaker A:Here's what he said.
Speaker A:It's just as much you as it is your wife.
Speaker A:You can project it onto her and say she needs to step up, or you can learn yourself and step up.
Speaker A:It's a me problem, not just an our problem.
Speaker A:And that's it right there.
Speaker A:Again, look inside.
Speaker A:Start with yourself.
Speaker A:My wife, Sarah and I frequently say this in our couples programs when we work with couples on their marriages, we say, the call of Marriage is not 50, 50.
Speaker A:It's never a 50, 50 thing.
Speaker A:The call of marriage is a hundred, 100.
Speaker A:You give 100% and your wife gives 100%.
Speaker A:That's the call.
Speaker A:The only person any of us can actually control is, is the man in the mirror again.
Speaker A:So are you giving 100%?
Speaker A:Are you being as loving as possible?
Speaker A:Are you heeding that call to holiness that marriage is?
Speaker A:It is a call to sanctity.
Speaker A:Marriage is your vocation, which is the.
Speaker A:The thing, the task, the path in life to which God has called you.
Speaker A:This is the most important thing he has called you to by name, just as he has called me by name.
Speaker A:God said, nathan, your task on this earth for the rest of your life until I call you home to heaven.
Speaker A:What I want you to do is I want you to love Sarah, my wife.
Speaker A:I want you, Nathan, to love Sarah.
Speaker A:I want you to help her become as holy as she can be.
Speaker A:I want you to help her get to heaven.
Speaker A:And she's going to help you also.
Speaker A:And I want you to raise a family and teach those children also how to get to heaven.
Speaker A:That's your job.
Speaker A:That's it.
Speaker A:Like, that is the goal.
Speaker A:And everything else in life becomes secondary, right?
Speaker A:Everything else.
Speaker A:And having that eternal perspective is so freeing and so clarifying.
Speaker A:It helps me when my fears, anxieties about money, about, you know, all the logistics about kids, schooling, all of it is very important.
Speaker A:I'm not trying to minimize it.
Speaker A:What I am doing is trying to put it in perspective, the eternal perspective, God's perspective doesn't mean don't worry about it, doesn't mean it's not important, doesn't mean don't focus on those things because those things are important.
Speaker A:They're just not ultimately important.
Speaker A:Ultimately, what's important is, is loving each other all the way into heaven.
Speaker A:So I just wanted to record this podcast.
Speaker A:It's.
Speaker A:It's rather impromptu.
Speaker A:I didn't have notes in front of me.
Speaker A:And I hope that the impromptu nature and a little bit of the thought associations that probably came through in this particular podcast are okay.
Speaker A:I'm just really passionate about this.
Speaker A:And if you feel like you are stuck in your relationship with your wife and with your marriage, and especially if you feel stuck in the area of sexual intimacy, I really encourage you to consider holy desires.
Speaker A: p this course for the fall of: Speaker A:So if you want help understanding how to really do this, how do I focus on myself?
Speaker A:Where do I focus on myself?
Speaker A:What are those changes that I can make?
Speaker A:What perspectives do I have about physical intimacy, about sexual intimacy, about our marriage in general that I have picked up, that I'm operating from these, you know, hidden beliefs that I have that maybe aren't serving me well, that maybe aren't serving my wife well, that maybe aren't leading to my flourishing within marriage, within sexual intimacy.
Speaker A:How can I identify those?
Speaker A:What can I replace them with?
Speaker A:It's going to be more holy, more effective, more conducive to thriving as a husband and as, you know, within marriage.
Speaker A:All of that we go through in Holy Desires.
Speaker A:If you need help talking to your wife, like, how do you even bring up these kinds of conversations?
Speaker A:We go through communication about difficult topics, about communicating about sex, which is really, really challenging for many couples, but can really unlock, you know, that that isn't really a key, being able to speak openly about your sexual intimacy and about every other topic right in your marriage.
Speaker A:That communication provides the.
Speaker A:The emotional and intellectual intimacy which is the required prerequisite for deep sexual intimacy.
Speaker A:So that's covered in depth as well as, you know, a lot of the practical things of being a good lover and helping your wife enjoy the experience and helping you enjoy the experience and creating the kind of intimacy that is mutually satisfying and mutually pleasurable.
Speaker A:All of that we go through.
Speaker A:And one of the.
Speaker A:I'll end with this about holy desires.
Speaker A:One of the themes that comes up every single time I do this, which surprises many men, is the power of the community, the brotherhood, the.
Speaker A:That is created.
Speaker A:So one guy said, one of the things that he mentioned that was one of the more powerful aspects of the holy desires experience in the whole program is, quote, the power of praying together and knowing that we're not alone either within our marriage or with you.
Speaker A:All right?
Speaker A:And another one said, connecting with the other guys here, seeing you share your insights, your struggles, feeling like a band of brothers in an area that had been kind of okay, but isolated before that, that is a real gift that I will carry forward and that's what I'd like to invite each and every one of you.
Speaker A:Listening into is a powerful experience unlike anything else to my knowledge.
Speaker A:There is no other program like Holy Desires.
Speaker A:That's why I stepped into this space to create a place to create a brotherhood of men where we can have the freedom, the safety to discuss these very intimate, very personal challenges topics and have a faithful and God centered, Christ centered sacramental discussion about the real struggles in our marriages.
Speaker A:That's a really rare thing and it's a really powerful thing.
Speaker A:So if that's something that you think would benefit you, that you would like to be a part of, keep an eye on this channel.
Speaker A:Keep an eye on your emails from me.
Speaker A:Keep an eye on holy desires.
Speaker A:That's canafeast.com holy the class enrollment is going to open up again at the end of September and I invite you to discern.
Speaker A:So I encourage you to discern whether holy desires would be a good next step for you and for your marriage.
Speaker A:The goal of Holy Desires.
Speaker A:Let me just state this really clearly.
Speaker A:The goal, the goal of holy desires is to give you the tools and the perspectives to enable you to cultivate your marriage, to make it the most vibrant, most passionate, most loving marriage that it can possibly be.
Speaker A:All marriages need to be cultivated, need to be tended.
Speaker A:You've got to.
Speaker A:I love the metaphor of the garden for marriage, right?
Speaker A:We need to tend a garden.
Speaker A:We need to weed it, we need to water it, we need to take care of it.
Speaker A:Holy desires, the goal is to give you the tools to do that.
Speaker A:Maybe you haven't had a hoe before, maybe you need a better sprinkler, maybe you need some garden gloves, right?
Speaker A:These are all metaphors.
Speaker A:But in within Holy Desires, you're going to get a whole bunch of tools to help you more effectively cultivate your garden, the garden of your marriage, and make it the most vibrant, most passionate, the most loving, the most faithful marriage that it can possibly be.
Speaker A:Saint Irenaeus famously said, the glory of God is man fully alive.
Speaker A:While that glory extends to man and woman fully alive in marriage, doesn't it?
Speaker A:Because if marriage is our vocation, we're going to be fully alive when we fully live out the the path of life that God has called us to.
Speaker A:So let's make our marriages fully alive.
Speaker A:Let's make them passionate and joyful and faithful.
Speaker A:And Holy Desires is designed to help you get the tools to do that for a lifetime.
Speaker A:So consider, Holy Desires is going to open at the end of September.
Speaker A:God bless you all.
